303+ Funny Inspirational Quotes

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303+ Funny Inspirational Quotes

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“When you are courting a nice girl an hour seems like a second. When you sit on a red-hot cinder a second seems like an hour. That’s relativity.”

Albert Einstein

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“If you could kick the person in the pants responsible for most of your trouble, you wouldn’t sit for a month.”

Theodore Roosevelt

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“Get your facts first, then you can distort them as you please.”

Mark Twain

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“I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member.” 

Groucho Marx

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“I no doubt deserved my enemies, but I don’t believe I deserved my friends.” 

Walt Whitman

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“If this is coffee, please bring me some tea; but if this is tea, please bring me some coffee.”

Abraham Lincoln

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“I love Mickey Mouse more than any woman I have ever known.” 

Walt Disney

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“The chief function of the body is to carry the brain around.” 

Thomas A. Edison

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“All right everyone, line up alphabetically according to your height.”

Casey Stengel

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“I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.” 

Lily Tomlin

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“People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do.” 

Isaac Asimov

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“How long was I in the army? Five foot eleven.” 

Spike Milligan

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“Every time I see an adult on a bicycle, I no longer despair for the future of the human race.”

H. G. Wells

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“All generalizations are false, including this one.” 

Mark Twain

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“The reports of my death have been greatly exaggerated.”

Mark Twain

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“Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age eighteen.” 

Albert Einstein

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“Tact is the ability to describe others as they see themselves.”

Abraham Lincoln

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“If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?”

Abraham Lincoln

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“If I knew for a certainty that a man was coming to my house with the conscious design of doing me good, I should run for my life.” 

Henry David Thoreau

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“This suspense is terrible. I hope it will last.” 

Oscar Wilde

303+ Funny Inspirational Quotes!

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“Before I refuse to take your questions, I have an opening statement.” 

Ronald Reagan

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“One picture is worth 1,000 denials.” 

Ronald Reagan

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“A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.” 

Groucho Marx

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“Weather forecast for tonight: dark.” 

George Carlin

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“May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.” 

George Carlin

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“In comic strips, the person on the left always speaks first.” 

George Carlin

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“Electricity is really just organized lightning.”

George Carlin

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“If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.”

George Bernard Shaw

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“A government that robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul.” 

George Bernard Shaw

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“I am not a member of any organized political party. I am a Democrat.” 

Will Rogers

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“Be thankful we’re not getting all the government we’re paying for.” 

Will Rogers

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“I never expected to see the day when girls would get sunburned in the places they now do.” 

Will Rogers

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“If it’s the Psychic Network why do they need a phone number?” 

Robin Williams

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“Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?” 

Robin Williams

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“The superfluous, a very necessary thing.”

Voltaire

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“I’m sorry, if you were right, I’d agree with you.” 

Robin Williams

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“I’m writing a book. I’ve got the page numbers done.” 

Steven Wright

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“I bought some batteries, but they weren’t included.” 

Steven Wright

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“You see much more of your children once they leave home.” 

Lucille Ball

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“Say what you will about the ten commandments, you must always come back to the pleasant fact that there are only ten of them.” 

H. L. Mencken

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“It is even harder for the average ape to believe that he has descended from man.” 

H. L. Mencken

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“I used to be Snow White, but I drifted.”

Mae West

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“Nobody ever went broke underestimating the taste of the American public.”

H. L. Mencken

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“I buy expensive suits. They just look cheap on me.”

Warren Buffett

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“It takes considerable knowledge just to realize the extent of your own ignorance.” 

Thomas Sowell

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“I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.” 

W. C. Fields

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“I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.” 

Rodney Dangerfield

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“A nickel ain’t worth a dime anymore.” 

Yogi Berra

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“The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.” 

Rodney Dangerfield

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“Even Napoleon had his Watergate.” 

Yogi Berra

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“If you want a guarantee, buy a toaster.” 

Clint Eastwood

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“I never said most of the things I said.”

Yogi Berra

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“I wear a necklace, cause I wanna know when I’m upside down.” 

Mitch Hedberg

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“I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle.” 

Mitch Hedberg

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“My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.” 

Mitch Hedberg

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“One of the disadvantages of wine is that it makes a man mistake words for thoughts.”

Samuel Johnson

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“TV is chewing gum for the eyes.” 

Frank Lloyd Wright

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“If a cluttered desk is the sign of a cluttered mind, what is the significance of a clean desk?”

Laurence J. Peter

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“Expert: a man who makes three correct guesses consecutively.”

Laurence J. Peter

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“Originality is the fine art of remembering what you hear but forgetting where you heard it.”

Laurence J. Peter

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“As for our majority… one is enough.” 

Benjamin Disraeli

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“I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.” 

Anonymous

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“A word to the wise is infuriating.” 

Hunter S. Thompson

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“If at first you don’t succeed… so much for skydiving.”

Henny Youngman

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“Every man has a sane spot somewhere.” 

Robert Louis Stevenson

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“Forty for you, sixty for me. And equal partners we will be.” 

Joan Rivers

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“I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.” 

Joan Rivers

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“It’s amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper.” 

Jerry Seinfeld

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“I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.” 

Joan Rivers

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“I have an unfortunate personality.” 

Orson Welles

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“A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don’t have a top for it.” 

Jerry Seinfeld

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“Never floss with a stranger.” 

Joan Rivers

303+ Funny Inspirational Quotes!

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“The IRS! They’re like the Mafia, they can take anything they want!”

Jerry Seinfeld

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“Fashions have done more harm than revolutions.” 

Victor Hugo

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“It’s simple, if it jiggles, it’s fat.” 

Arnold Schwarzenegger

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“The trouble with having an open mind, of course, is that people will insist on coming along and trying to put things in it.” 

Terry Pratchett

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“I have never been hurt by what I have not said.” 

Calvin Coolidge

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“Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive.” 

Elbert Hubbard

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“Always remember that you are absolutely unique. Just like everyone else.” 

Margaret Mead

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“I’d love to kiss ya, but I just washed my hair.” 

Bette Davis

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“You can always tell when a man’s well informed. His views are pretty much like your own.”

H. Jackson Brown, Jr.

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“If love is the answer, could you please rephrase the question?” 

Lily Tomlin

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“I’m spending a year dead for tax reasons.” 

Douglas Adams

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“If truth is beauty, how come no one has their hair done in the library?” 

Lily Tomlin

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“The next time you have a thought… let it go.” 

Ron White

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“I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by.”

Douglas Adams

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“I failed to make the chess team because of my height.”

Woody Allen

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“My one regret in life is that I am not someone else.” 

Woody Allen

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“Never fight an inanimate object.” 

P. J. O’Rourke

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“He was like a cock who thought the sun had risen to hear him crow.” 

George Eliot

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“I consider that a man’s brain originally is like a little empty attic, and you have to stock it with such furniture as you choose.” 

Arthur Conan Doyle

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“Television has brought back murder into the home – where it belongs.” 

Alfred Hitchcock

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“Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.” 

Jim Carrey

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“I have a new philosophy. I’m only going to dread one day at a time.” 

Charles M. Schulz

303+ Funny Inspirational Quotes!

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“I love mankind; it’s people I can’t stand.” 

Charles M. Schulz

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“I love fools’ experiments. I am always making them.” 

Charles Darwin

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“I have a wonderful make-up crew. They’re the same people restoring the Statue of Liberty.”

Bob Hope

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“Progress might have been alright once, but it has gone on too long.” 

Ogden Nash

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“A James Cagney love scene is one where he lets the other guy live.”

Bob Hope

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“Housework can’t kill you, but why take a chance?” 

Phyllis Diller

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“I love to go to Washington – if only to be near my money.” 

Bob Hope

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“I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.”

Phyllis Diller

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“What contemptible scoundrel has stolen the cork to my lunch?” 

W. Clement Stone

303+ Funny Inspirational Quotes!

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303+ Funny Inspirational Quotes

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“The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.” 

Phyllis Diller

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“We are all here on earth to help others; what on earth the others are here for I don’t know.”

W. H. Auden

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“Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.”

Phyllis Diller

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“The four building blocks of the universe are fire, water, gravel and vinyl.” 

Dave Barry

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“It is a scientific fact that your body will not absorb cholesterol if you take it from another person’s plate.” 

Dave Barry

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“When I was a boy the Dead Sea was only sick.”

George Burns

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“If you live to be one hundred, you’ve got it made. Very few people die past that age.” 

George Burns

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“I’m kidding about having only a few dollars. I might have a few dollars more.” 

James Brown

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“Thinking is one thing no one has ever been able to tax.” 

Charles Kettering

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“Life is hard. After all, it kills you.” 

Katharine Hepburn

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“You can lead a man to Congress, but you can’t make him think.” 

Milton Berle

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“Society is like a stew. If you don’t stir it up every once in a while then a layer of scum floats to the top.” 

Edward Abbey

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“A committee is a group that keeps minutes and loses hours.”

Milton Berle

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“We owe a lot to Thomas Edison – if it wasn’t for him, we’d be watching television by candlelight.”

Milton Berle

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“If you can’t tell a spoon from a ladle, then you’re fat!”

Demetri Martin

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“I wanna make a jigsaw puzzle that’s 40,000 pieces. And when you finish it, it says ‘go outside.'”

Demetri Martin

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“There’s a great power in words, if you don’t hitch too many of them together.”

Josh Billings

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“Flattery is like cologne water, to be smelt, not swallowed.”

Josh Billings

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“What do I know of man’s destiny? I could tell you more about radishes.” 

Samuel Beckett

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“There are lots of people who mistake their imagination for their memory.” 

Josh Billings

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“We are all born mad. Some remain so.”

Samuel Beckett

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“Be obscure clearly.” 

E. B. White

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“I’m like old wine. They don’t bring me out very often – but I’m well preserved.” 

Rose Kennedy

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“Prejudice is a great time saver. You can form opinions without having to get the facts.” 

E. B. White

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“There cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full.” 

Henry Kissinger

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“How many people here have telekinetic powers? Raise my hand.”

Emo Philips

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“Moderation is a virtue only in those who are thought to have an alternative.” 

Henry Kissinger

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“I was the kid next door’s imaginary friend.” 

Emo Philips

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“By all means let’s be open-minded, but not so open-minded that our brains drop out.”

Richard Dawkins

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“I like a woman with a head on her shoulders. I hate necks.” 

Steve Martin

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“Why do you have to be a nonconformist like everybody else?”

James Thurber

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“A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.”

Steve Martin

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“I was sleeping the other night, alone, thanks to the exterminator.” 

Emo Philips

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“Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?” 

James Thurber

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“I was a vegetarian until I started leaning toward the sunlight.” 

Rita Rudner

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“When I eventually met Mr. Right I had no idea that his first name was Always.” 

Rita Rudner

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“I don’t think anyone should write their autobiography until after they’re dead.” 

Samuel Goldwyn

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“I never liked you, and I always will.” 

Samuel Goldwyn

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“Reality continues to ruin my life.”

Bill Watterson

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“I read part of it all the way through.” 

Samuel Goldwyn

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“Let’s have some new cliches.” 

Samuel Goldwyn

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“Roses are red, violets are blue, I’m schizophrenic, and so am I.” 

Oscar Levant

303+ Funny Inspirational Quotes!

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“Include me out.” 

Samuel Goldwyn

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“Cure for an obsession: get another one.” 

Mason Cooley

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“I was eating in a Chinese restaurant downtown. There was a dish called Mother and Child Reunion. It’s chicken and eggs. And I said, I gotta use that one.” 

Paul Simon

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“Don’t talk about yourself; it will be done when you leave.”

Wilson Mizner

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“It has yet to be proven that intelligence has any survival value.” 

Arthur C. Clarke

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“The best measure of a man’s honesty isn’t his income tax return. It’s the zero adjust on his bathroom scale.” 

Arthur C. Clarke

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“Too much agreement kills a chat.” 

Eldridge Cleaver

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“Macho does not prove mucho.” 

Zsa Zsa Gabor

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“I was so naive as a kid I used to sneak behind the barn and do nothing.”

Johnny Carson

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“Until you walk a mile in another man’s moccasins you can’t imagine the smell.”

Robert Byrne

                                                                        

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“I’ve always wanted to go to Switzerland to see what the army does with those wee red knives.”

Billy Connolly

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“I have tried to know absolutely nothing about a great many things, and I have succeeded fairly well.”

Robert Benchley

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“A sure cure for seasickness is to sit under a tree.” 

Spike Milligan

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“Drawing on my fine command of the English language, I said nothing.” 

Robert Benchley

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“Christopher Columbus, as everyone knows, is honored by posterity because he was the last to discover America.”

James Joyce

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“If I had to live my life again, I’d make the same mistakes, only sooner.” 

Tallulah Bankhead

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“I went window shopping today! I bought four windows.”

Tommy Cooper

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“I don’t need you to remind me of my age. I have a bladder to do that for me.” 

Stephen Fry

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“Miami Beach is where neon goes to die.”

Lenny Bruce

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“Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.”

Jules Renard

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“When you’re eight years old nothing is your business.” 

Lenny Bruce

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“People always ask me, ‘Were you funny as a child?’ Well, no, I was an accountant.” 

Ellen DeGeneres

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“I used to sell furniture for a living. The trouble was, it was my own.”

Les Dawson

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“He looked about as inconspicuous as a tarantula on a slice of angel food.” 

Raymond Chandler

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“Never put a sock in a toaster.”

Eddie Izzard

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“When we ask for advice, we are usually looking for an accomplice.” 

Saul Bellow

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“I grew up in Europe, where the history comes from.”

Eddie Izzard

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“The reason there are two senators for each state is so that one can be the designated driver.” 

Jay Leno

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“That’s my only goal. Surround myself with funny people, and make sure everyone has a good time and works hard.” 

Joe Rogan

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“There’s nothing wrong with being shallow as long as you’re insightful about it.” 

Dennis Miller

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“I rant, therefore I am.” 

Dennis Miller

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“I cannot sing, dance or act; what else would I be but a talk show host.” 

David Letterman

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“You’re only as good as your last haircut.” 

Fran Lebowitz

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“I don’t deserve this award, but I have arthritis and I don’t deserve that either.”

Jack Benny

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“Food is an important part of a balanced diet.”

Fran Lebowitz

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“We’ll love you just the way you are if you’re perfect.” 

Alanis Morissette

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“The one thing you shouldn’t do is try to tell a cab driver how to get somewhere.” 

Jimmy Fallon

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“I don’t deserve any credit for turning the other cheek as my tongue is always in it.” 

Flannery O’Connor

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“One advantage of talking to yourself is that you know at least somebody’s listening.” 

Franklin P. Jones

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“I talk to myself all the time. I’m the only one that doesn’t make me mad.”

Anonymous

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“I quit therapy because my analyst was trying to help me behind my back.” 

Richard Lewis

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“I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three.” 

Elayne Boosler

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“We owe to the Middle Ages the two worst inventions of humanity – romantic love and gunpowder.”

Andre Maurois

303+ Funny Inspirational Quotes!

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“Conversation would be vastly improved by the constant use of four simple words: I do not know.”

Andre Maurois

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“The first time I sang in the church choir; two hundred people changed their religion.” 

Fred Allen

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“California is a fine place to live – if you happen to be an orange.” 

Fred Allen

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“My life needs editing.” 

Mort Sahl

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“As a child my family’s menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.” 

Buddy Hackett

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“She was a handsome woman of forty-five and would remain so for many years.” 

J. B. Priestley

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“If you’re naturally kind, you attract a lot of people you don’t like.” 

William Feather

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“I’m undaunted in my quest to amuse myself by constantly changing my hair.” 

Hillary Clinton

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“The reward of energy, enterprise and thrift is taxes.” 

William Feather

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“God did not intend religion to be an exercise club.”

Naguib Mahfouz

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“If I want to knock a story off the front page, I just change my hairstyle.”

Hillary Clinton

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“As I get older, I just prefer to knit.”

Tracey Ullman

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“The fascination of shooting as a sport depends almost wholly on whether you are at the right or wrong end of the gun.”

P. G. Wodehouse

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“To be or not to be. That’s not really a question.”

Jean-Luc Godard

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“If I had one thing to do today, I probably wouldn’t do it.”

Anonymous

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“Older people shouldn’t eat health food, they need all the preservatives they can get.” 

Robert Orben

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“I may be a living legend, but that sure don’t help when I’ve got to change a flat tire.” 

Roy Orbison

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“I have a memory like an elephant. I remember every elephant I’ve ever met.” 

Herb Caen

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Hope you were inspired by 303+ Funny Inspirational Quotes and maybe found some laughter!

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303+ Funny Inspirational Quotes

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303+ Funny Inspirational Quotes

                                                                        

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303+ Funny Inspirational Quotes

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We hope you enjoyed: 303+ Funny Inspirational Quotes!